Coping with random acts of kindness
Someone did something very nice for me the other day and paid the $31 I owed for my California driver’s license. […] This is why I’m ambivalent about random acts of kindness. It’s because the nausea of having to pay it forward or just pay it back, the utter joylessness in scanning walls of Hallmark cards, the impersonal sense of obligation that will poison whatever I do, these things point strongly to me not being a very good person, especially compared to someone who unblinkingly swipes her credit card for a total stranger at the DMV.
Hey, you never indicated that the piece on $31 at DMV supposed any feedback, but I just thought that I’d still chime in.
The great idea behind the RAoK is that they happen out of the universal abundance of humanity in people around us. And therefore when you encounter one, you don’t have to repay it instantly (you might, but you don’t) as it’s not about “payback” to a single person, it’s more like being slightly indebted to the world around you. And that means that you don’t need to be awkwardly personal with returns.
Deploying a random act of kindness upon a stranger is akin to depositing a little amount of do-goodery into the universal bank of incentive to be helpful, so that the one on the receiving end will be more eager to help other people in need when the time comes. That basically means that “repaying” to the person who helped you is not really welcome unless it’s a life-threatening issue. Otherwise it’s just not worth it.
Why not just get it done with sparkly Hallmark card and a small gift or a check and a hand-written letter of gratitude? Because it removes the burden and unspoken obligation to be on the outlook for someone else, it takes out the chance to start a small but effective avalanche of people helping people helping people. Not only because they should, but rather because they can — and you can’t see it any better than when it’s you who’s being helped, and that knowledge and the feeling of gratefulness itself transforms you even if just for a minute.
Such acts are a miracle that turns common day and life into what might be known as a “positive sum game”, when everyone who wins doesn’t rob others, and everyone who loses (or gives) actually forfeits much less compared to what get those who won. It’s the truth behind the RAoK — give to those who needs it. Give to the world and the world might be just nice and friendly enough to return the favor when the time comes.
And that’s why you don’t worry about paying back — it’s worth less that way, for you it wasn’t exactly $31 worth, it might have been any amount that you were short of. It’s the whole resolution that makes you happy, the price of your hour and your peace of mind and a possibility of anger and disappointment. And it’s not worth $31 for sure, it’s something more. Thus you might express gratitude, but don’t you care about money. You might give something to charity of your choice instead, or you might just do something good for the person standing next to you in the line next time, when they’re out of luck. Returning the favor with RAoK of your own is so much more fun than dull exchange “Oh, well, you know, thanks for your help, you shouldn’t have and all. — Aw, come on, never mind”.
Obligatory science link: Animals show altruism toward strangers too.
And yeah, sorry if I’m being inappropriate.